POLEroid Perspectives: Trusting My Transition Through My Trauma
Structure is security…
At least that’s what I’ve always thought. My entire life has been planned. After high school, college. After college, law school. After law school, associate attorney at a prestigious law firm. I followed this plan precisely. By January 2020, I was going into my second year as an associate at one of the most prestigious firms in my hometown. I couldn’t picture myself being a lifer at the firm, but I wasn’t ready for the uncertainty or lack of security leaving would introduce. So, as the only black attorney at the firm, I kept to myself and just worked. Then, COVID-19 happened. Most people at the firm thought it was a joke only for it to push us out of the office into makeshift home offices. All normalcy was revoked including my weekly gym visits. I bought weights and resistance bands and mats. All the things that would bring the gym to me. Routine back intact. Except, that became boring real quick. The walk from the front of the house to the back just wasn’t very fulfilling.
I wasn’t looking to get into pole at first.
Originally, I was looking for flexibility programs. As I searched for programs, I noticed most coaches were either polers or were connected to people within the pole community. At that moment, my focus pivoted from flexibility to poling. After watching a few videos of some amazing pole performances, I was hooked. I ordered my pole and anxiously waited for it to arrive.
Pause for a second. This is probably the most impulsive thing I’ve done (I’ve never been much of a risk-taker obviously). Again, structure was security. This was way outside of my norm. Finally, my pole arrived. Once it was secure and in place (y’all check your poles), my cousin and I spent most of the night dancing. The next day I felt like I had been kicked down a flight of stairs, tackled by an NFL defensive line and politely pushed down a hill. I’m extra, but I was in pain. Pole was, and is, SO hard but equally as exciting! So, this was my new workout. Quarantine was now bearable.
Lawyer by day, Poler at night.
Work, as usual, was stressful yet manageable. I answered every email and phone call. Never missed a work assignment. Never turned in a late assignment. Attended every proceeding, meeting and hearing both virtually and in-person when requested. I believed this was enough until I was informed otherwise. I thought I could turtle my way through a few more years then plan my exit strategy. My thoughts: if I don’t rock the boat, then maybe I can stay onboard. LIES!!
I became disposable at work.
Then, August 19, 2020 came. I was informed that my best option would be to resign. I had gone against the grain and moved in opposition to firm culture. I respectfully accepted their decision and closed my work laptop. I sat on my couch oddly relaxed with my closed laptop resting on my knees. Had this even been six months ago, I would have been terrified. This was my worst fear. This was not a part of the plan. What in the quarantine crazy is going on here?! Instead, I didn’t panic; I poled. The same trust I had to have in myself to move around that vertical steel was the same trust I needed to have in my current circumstances. Pole requires you to be fearless. It requires you to trust not only the process but yourself as you move through it. It requires patience and understanding that your timeline is unique. I’ve had to learn to trust the process. It appears poling pulled me further from my chosen profession and closer to my purpose. Each day, I get more comfortable in my pole journey as well as my professional circumstances. I can sit in the uncertainty surrounding me as my healing process continues to unfold. This year I have been bruised and battered but just like pole burns, pole kisses, carpet burns, blisters and sore muscles, the pain eventually dissipates. You never forget the event, but you are better for it. Now, I am venturing into all the territories I was too afraid to explore. Although I am not currently practicing law, I am still a lawyer. Pole has just introduced me to the bolder version of myself ready to add even bigger accomplishments to my resume.